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Some people allow privileges at an earlier age than others, so you need to decide what kinds of rules you want to impose on your children to protect them, regardless of what families around you may or may not allow. Even if your children get mad at you now, they will probably thank you once they are young adults. For the young person, it is so much easier to complain that their parents wouldn’t let them go to a questionable party than to have the guts as a middle schooler or high schooler to say, “No, I don’t go to parties like that.” It is important to explain the reasons behind the rules so they understand that they are there to help them, not random ways their parents are trying to make their lives miserable.
The important thing about making consequences that work, is to make them unpleasant enough that the child gives up and complies. One time my son decided to NOT comply. I don’t even remember what he did, but I told him to pay a 10 cent fine. He refused so I added a 50 cent fine. He still refused, so I added a dollar fine. He still didn’t comply, so I charged him an additional 5 dollar fine. He still refused, so I added a 10 dollar fine. That was finally tough enough to make him give up the fight and comply with the rule. Sometimes kids can be more stubborn than smart. But hang tough, and they will get it.
A Cautionary Tale
A mother once told me that her daughter kept pestering her brother to let her use his cell phone recharger. He kept refusing because he knew what she would do. When she quit pestering him, he wondered why, until he found a broken cell phone recharger in the place his still working one had been. When confronted, she was all innocence, claiming to know nothing about it. Awhile later, the mother discovered that her cell phone recharger had also been replaced with a broken one. When she confronted her daughter, the daughter again claimed to know nothing about it. The mother felt she couldn’t do anything about it because she didn’t have “proof” since all of the cell phone rechargers were identical. So the daughter learned her lesson well--that she could steal and lie and as long as she didn’t get caught in the act, could get away with it!! This frustrated mother told me, “If only I had met you 10 years earlier...” She would have known how to set consequences for broken rules so this wouldn’t have happened in the first place. If it had, she would have marched her daughter down to the store to make her buy a new cell phone recharger for her brother, and it never would have happened the second time!
Don’t repeat this tale in your own home. When your child does something wrong--whether you have thought to make up a rule about it or not--go ahead and confront her, but don’t stop there. Keep adding on the consequences until your child thinks it’s not worth it to continue her wrong behavior. Otherwise you may be facing the same kinds of problems when your child is a teenager.
Too Lenient
Just Right
Too Harsh
Parenting > Discipline > Sample Consequences for Middle Schoolers
Consequences that are Too Harsh for a first infraction
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1.Grounded for a week
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2.Grounded for a week
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3.Grounded for a week
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4.Grounded for a month
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5.No T.V. for a week
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6.No T.V. for a week
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7.No T.V. for a week
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8.Grounded for a month
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9.Grounded for a month
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10.No T.V. for a week
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11. Lose computer for one month
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12.Lose computer for one month
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13.Lose computer for one month
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14.Lose computer for one month
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15.Lose computer for one month
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16. Try on all clothes so that mom can evaluate and confiscate all inappropriate items
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17. same
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18.same
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19.same
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20.same
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21. Do chores for 2 hours
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22.-27. same
Note: These consequences are excessive for a first time offense, but are just about right for repeat offenders. Just keep ratcheting up the consequences until you find the one that makes them stop.
Consequences that are about right for a broken rule
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1.Home late--must come home 30 minutes earlier the next time
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2.Didn’t call parents when late or went someplace else-- must come home 30 minutes earlier the next day
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3.Didn’t ask permission before going somewhere
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4.Went place not allowed to go--can’t go out for a week
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5.Spent more than allowed time on T.V./computer--Lose T.V./Computer privileges for a day
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6.Watched unapproved T.V. show--lose T.V. privilege for 1 day
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7.Didn’t turn off the show that got violent or had sexual content--Lose T.V./Computer privileges for a day
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8.Didn’t get permission before watching a movie at a friend’s house--can’t go to friend’s house for a week
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9.Played violent video games at a friend’s house----can’t go to friend’s house for a week
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10.Watched T.V. before homework was done --lose T.V. privilege for 1 day
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11.Got on line in own room--lose computer privilege for 1 week
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12.Visited questionable websites --lose computer privilege for 1 week
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13.Got on line before or during homework--lose computer privilege for 1 day
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14. Spent excessive time on computer--lose computer privilege for 1 day
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15.Didn’t work out a daily schedule so each person gets equal access--lose computer privilege for 1 day
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16.Wore skin tight clothes--hand over offending item to Mom
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17.Wore a too short skirt or shorts (to avoid debate, determine inches above knee)--hand over offending item to Mom
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18.Wore plunging neckline --hand over offending item to Mom
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19.Wore halter top or strapless top--hand over offending item to Mom
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20.Wore top with midriff showing--hand over offending item to Mom
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21.Failed to do daily chores by set time--do an extra chore
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22.Failed to do your weekly chores by set time--do an extra chore
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23.Failed to clean up after yourself in the common living spaces (bathroom, living room, foyer, car, yard) pay 10 cents per item per day (it can add up fast!) Up the price if that doesn’t work.
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24.Failed to help clean up after meals--do an extra chore
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25.Failed to clean room daily (make bed, put away toys, dirty clothes in hamper)--clean room and do an extra chore
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26.Failed to clean your room weekly (vac, dust, change sheets, take trash, etc)--clean room and do an extra chore
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27.Failed to do homework--lose T.V. and computer privileges for 1 day
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28.Dated before allowed age--see below
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29.Kissed special friend--lose dating privilege for 2 weeks
Parenting > Discipline > Sample Consequences for Middle Schoolers
Numbers 28 and 29 are both tough ones to know how to handle!! Since they already like each other, if you forbid them from ever talking to each other again, it is likely to make them be sneaky, rather than actually help them follow the rules. So how about trying this: invite the friend over for a friendly talk. That should strike fear in the heart of the special friend and mortify your child!! (If he refuses to come, then the relationship should be terminated, since he is unwilling to play by your rules.) Explain the rules, and say that as long as they are in a group setting, they can talk, whether it is at school or in the home, but must not be done alone with just the two of them until the specified age. They can still be friends, just not special friends. If any of the outlined rules are broken, your child will have to discontinue the relationship. This makes sure all parties are aware of the rules, and gives them another chance to follow them. This can help them understand that you are not against them, but that you mean business about the rules. If you really mean business, it is important to also limit phone, texting, instant messaging, and facebook, or the “no dating policy” doesn’t really mean anything. You can only control what you monitor--do this without shame. God gave you the authority.
Consequences that are Too Lenient
The main problem with “too lenient” is not so much that the consequences are so light that the children don’t bother to listen, but more often it is the case that the parents respond to broken rules with words rather than action. No matter how dire the threats are, unless they are followed through with action, nobody moves an inch. Parents say things like:
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1.“Don’t make me say it again.”
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2.“How many times have I told you...”
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3.“Don’t let it happen again.”
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4.“If you don’t do it, I’m going to...”
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5.“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times...”
Your children are good students of you. They know just what decibel level your voice reaches before they have to start moving in order to avoid a confrontation. To borrow from the saying, “A picture is worth a thousand words,” here is a new phrase: A consequence is worth a thousand words!
This is a bank from a dollar store that we used for paying fines. We put the money in the missions offering so our kids didn’t think we were profiting from their fines.
