Train up a Child
Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.
This verse is not so much a promise as a guiding principle. It doesn’t promise that your child will never make bad decisions, but it does say that if you instill your value system early, then it can guide him through his entire life - which means he is more likely to make good choices than if you do not train him at all!
Training a child is an extremely challenging job! If you discipline too little, then the child becomes unruly and uncontrollable. Discipline too much and chances are good that the child will either think he is not good enough, or rebel and reject everything his parents have tried to teach him. Discipline without love and the child may forever feel unloveable, or grow angry and cut off ties. But this verse gives us hope--when we train our children in love, we are enabling them to grow into responsible, self controlled adults.
The pages listed above were written to help you try to figure out what kinds of consequences are just right for each of your children--I have discovered what works for one child does not necessarily work for the others. So read these pages, talk to other moms, young and old, to find out what they did right and what they did wrong. Then pray about what you should do--God will help you find a good strategy every time you ask!
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1.Make rules.
In other words, teach your children what is o.k. to do, and what is not. Make sure your children know what the rules are and understand them. The rules also need to change as your children grow--a good rule for a 4 year old is a terrible rule for a teenager!!
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2.Create consequences for broken rules.
(if only humans were not sinners so that rules alone would be sufficient!!) Consequences need to be unpleasant enough to make the child want to avoid them, but not so harsh that it physically harms them, or emotionally makes them resent you or even hate you (that is not to say they won’t occasionally get mad at you--that naturally happens!)
3. Do NOT Get Angry!
Discipline in anger, and your children will quickly reciprocate with resentment, bitterness, and anger. Never, ever belittle your children with remarks such as “you moron, pest, stupid, idiot.” When you DO get angry, be sure to apologize--that is the only way to break down the walls of resentment that anger immediately builds between you and your child. Apologizing also serves as a good example of what they should do when they get angry. It is so heartwarming to have a child come and apologize without even being told! Forgiveness is one of THE most important lessons you can teach your children!!
3. Listen
This is the one principle that can’t be used with the toddler and kindergarten ages, but is helpful for all other ages. Make sure to give your children the opportunity to take part in deciding the rules and consequences, and give them ONE chance to defend their behavior if they break a rule. Sometimes parents can jump to conclusions about what happened and, if the child feels the consequences are unjustified, it can drive a wedge between parent and child. However, if your child is one of those lawyer-to-be types that can spend all day pleading his case, make him write it in his room--it gets real short real fast, and you don’t have to listen to it all day.
1. Be Consistent
Every time a rule is broken, the consequences must be meted out. If not, your children will quickly realize they can do anything they want, because they will observe that their parents aren’t really going to do what they say they are going to do. If they sometimes get into trouble and sometimes they don’t, they will take their chances that this is a time they won’t. That is not to say that you can never show mercy--there are times that it is the wise thing to do. However, mercy should be the exception, not the rule.
2. Parents need to agree
If each parent has a different set of rules, the children quickly learn which parent is more likely to give them permission, or who is less likely to require consequences. They will play you off each other, given half a chance!
How You Discipline Matters: 3 Things to be Careful about
1. Rewards Work Wonders
When learning a new skill, or doing something that is really hard, outside motivation can be a huge factor in helping us do what we should do, but don’t want to do. Even God promises rewards for those who do right! (Rewards should not be confused with giving bribes, which is giving a prize for doing something wrong. ) Once following the rules becomes a habit, the rewards can be dropped as your children become internally motivated. (Unfortunately, human nature is such that rewards alone don’t work. You’ve got to have the consequences, too, for the times they are being stubborn!)
One mother of school aged children told me that she instituted a reward system for her children having a good attitude when they came home from school and had to do their homework. They could earn up to one dollar (100 yen) by the end of the week. She said it changed the whole atmosphere in their home. She said it was the best dollar she ever spent!
Discipline looks different at each age level, but the underlying principles are the same.
Here are 3 steps you can adapt to any age that are key to helping children follow instructions.
3 Ways to encourage obedience that don’t involve negative consequences
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2.Make it Fun
Yes, being creative and coming up with fun ways to do things is a little more work than just laying down the law. But it is SO much easier to have eager children doing what you want them to be doing, than to be fighting tooth and nail to motivate through warnings about dire consequences! For me it is no contest--the extra effort is way, way worth it. The whole atmosphere of the home is fun and cheerful instead of angry and resentful. (To be honest, there are angry and resentful days in our house, too, but they are few and far between.)
For example, no one wants to stop playing and put the toys away before supper. If it’s the rule, help them do it cheerfully by turning on music and dance the toys away, or make it a game and see who can put them away the fastest.
If your family is stuck in the car on a long trip, and the kids start bickering out of boredom, you could make rules about not fighting, and even make tough consequences. That is not likely to improve the atmosphere inside the car. A better strategy might be to read an exciting book out loud. They won’t let you stop even if you get hoarse!
I once heard of a family of teenagers who played a game during supper to determine who would help with the dishes that night. The object was to sneak the bay leaf off of their plate onto someone else’s plate, and who ever had it when the meal ended, would help with the dishes. Word has it that it was quite the riotous game.
If you are creative, you can come up with all kinds of ways to make obeying fun.
3. Teach Them Compromise
“My children fight all the time.” Sound familiar? Many parents assume that letting their children fight it out all the time will eventually help them learn to compromise. That is not what I have observed--I think they just learn to be meaner and sneakier. Making a list of rules to combat bad ways to resolve conflict is a start (Don’t call names. Don’t hurt people or property. etc.) What is even more helpful is to teach your child GOOD ways to resolve conflict. It will be a skill they can hone over the years, and will stand them in good stead the rest of their lives--even when they get jobs and families of their own. Give them the ideas, then step back and let them work out the compromise. If they keep fighting instead of compromising, take away the offending item, and they will work out a deal pretty quickly! Here are a couple of ideas to get you started
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1.Take turns--but here is the twist--the person with the first turn gets a shorter turn! (the first person gets a 5 minute turn, and the person who waits gets a 10 minute turn.) Use a kitchen timer to be fair. This sounds like it would only work for little kids, but when teens fight over the computer or T.V. program, or use of the family car, this still works pretty well.
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2.Offer to do them a favor in return for letting you have first pick. This can be anything from letting them play with one of your special toys, doing their daily chore, reading a book to them, making their bed for them, etc. Brokering a deal can go a long way to make sure there are no lingering hard feelings because they think they have gotten the short end of the stick.
Sample rewards for toddlers
Sample rewards for kindergarten age
Sample rewards for elementary age
Sample rewards for pre-teens
Sample rewards for teens
“My kids don’t do anything I say--it just goes in one ear and out the other!”
“My kids always fight. It drives me crazy, but if I step in, they won’t learn to resolve conflict.”
“My kids are so lazy. They never help me out.”
“My daughter swapped her broken cell phone recharger for my good one, but when I confronted her about it, she lied to my face. They are identical, so I don’t have any proof, so what can I do?”
“My son plays video games for hours every day. He won’t come to supper, so I take it to him. I don’t know how late he stays up at night. He doesn’t have any friends.”
In these statements, who is responsible for the problem--the parent or the child? It is the parent who is not taking the responsibility as a parent to make the child listen. Some parents shy away from making rules because they don’t want their children to get mad at them--they want their children to love them. The good news is that you can have both--obedient children who love you (even if they occasionally get mad about some of the consequences...for their own bad behavior!) The important thing is to discipline in love and not out of anger. Discipline is how parents help their children learn to follow instructions... and eventually become responsible adults.
Parenting > Discipline
Children Obey your Parents
Ephesians 6:1-3
Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your mother and father (which is the first commandment with a promise), that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on this earth.
Prov. 12:1 Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid
Prov. 13:1 A wise son accepts his father’s discipline, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke.
Prov. 13:24 He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently
Prov. 15:5 A fool rejects his father’s discipline, but he who regards reproof is prudent
Prov. 22:15 Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of discipline will remove it far from him
Prov. 6:20 My son, observe the commandment of your father, and do not forsake the teaching of your mother; Bind them continually on your heart; Tie them around your neck. When you walk about, they will guide you; When you sleep they will watch over you; and when you awake, they will talk to you.
God gave parents the authority to discipline children so that they will obey their parents. Obedience is important because if your children don’t listen to you, you will not be able to stop them from doing bad things (to you or anyone else) and you will have a hard time teaching them all the other things they need to know in order to grow up to be responsible adults and citizens.
Discipline them so they listen to you, so you can teach them all the things they need to know. Don’t make the mistake that so many parents make, of handing over their authority to their children, and letting the children call the shots. Children need their parents to set limits, and to make consequences so they will stick to those limits.
Fathers, do not exasperate your children
Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Isn’t it interesting that after God made men the way He did, he specifically gives instructions to fathers because He knew they would have a tendency to do things that would alienate his own children. God doesn’t give specifics of ways to make his children angry, but I can fill in some blanks, and your children can probably fill in even more. Here are just a few examples:
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1.Punish with consequences that are too harsh for the infraction
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2.Not listen to his children’s defense of actions
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3.Not listen to his children’s requests
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4.Not affirm his children (I know of one man who is so angry at his father that he will not speak to him now, because he felt that when he was growing up, no matter how hard he tried, his father didn’t think he was ever good enough.)
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5.Not spend time with his children
So if you are not the father, what can you do about this? You can speak to your husband and convince him to give his son a chance to defend himself, or give him ideas of what he can do to spend time with his daughter. As long as he listens to ideas you give him, there are many things you can do to influence him to help him be a better father. Many times, my husband has thanked me for helping him be a better father.
3 Biblical Principles for parenting
Parenting > Discipline
Time out
Time out now!
